I feel called to BE. To BE myself.
The reason I’ve been such a “thinker” is because I’m resisting who I AM and trying to think my way out of the resistance and by doing so I have done nothing but dissipate my energy on a quest to maximize it. People always say I don’t seem like an engineer. What does that mean?! #ILookLikeAnEngineer, the point is… the I is subjective AND objective. #IAM. Period
I was in the 8th grade and drew a pretty good portrait of myself but I couldn’t make the eyes to look real, not according to my high standard of excellence. Then I looked at the picture and the glaring whiteness in the eyes made me reflect on how could I make what I DID have, work… I left the eyes blank/white and instead I wrote across the top and put something like I want you to see me without the judgement of your eyes.
I’ve been an introvert since I can remember, my first reflections are in the kindergarten as memory starts around age four. To myself I am an introvert, to the world I am an extrovert.
I AM a problem solver. Period. At the core of who I am that’s probably the best box that I could put myself in.
I was going to school to be an electrical engineer, to be a pediatrician (to help the little children who need hope because I knew I could naturally study the human body and be a damn good doctor), and then biomedical engineering, now mechanical engineering.
Since I always wanted to make my time outside of the American Dream mine, all of my extra curricular classes have been in anthropology and philosophy essentially because I love the study of culture and humanity.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to BOX myself in this world, how to fit in AND be myself. It’s been so hard on myself, it’s actually so DAMN draining. I’ve been so emotionally exhausted on so many different levels, you literally have no idea.
On top of having a racing mind where a million thoughts would go through my mind a day, often time thoughts would be creative and other times my thoughts would make me sad. I would have creative thoughts and sad thoughts but no engineering thoughts, the thing I’m actually supposed to be being productive with. My thoughts were making me weak. (Now I AM still an upbeat and hyper person, but underneath the surface level and the armor, these were some of my sentiments.)
My thoughts would haunt me about my non-existent family, about how I had used almost eight years of my life to a man who couldn’t see my love in a relationship that broke my self-esteem all the way down. I would have thoughts about my culture, and the systemic issues facing my sister, brother, friend’s children… my community. I would think. I AM a thinker.
Even though I was physically present, mentally I wasn’t… I would say I was in lala land.
My thoughts that would haunt me would be about school, I had dropped out of engineering four years ago and came back and was dumb. I actually got called to come back to school because of who I AM. My last semester of school, I had made the deans list and worked two full-time jobs totaling 65-75 hours a week. I could do calculus in my sleep before I left engineering but when I came back, I couldn’t even recognize the language.
It was devastating, my brain couldn’t easily make the connections that it used to. I came back to school ready to use my intelligence and my determination to take over the engineering world but life had happened to me.
If you don’t use it, you lose it… it even applied to me, a ‘baby genius.’ I guess the new me was still following suit of the old me and there was a resistance between those very different versions of me, hello anxiety.
I had a class called “Exploring Music” and in the midst of my de-pressed-state, I told the professor about how even though I was sitting in the first row, staring at him… I couldn’t focus… My own thoughts were wayyyyy louder than his voice even though my actual voice was mute, that I was working with my doctor to find the right calibration of meds for me. (Truth is, I would never take these drugs because I always rejected the idea of drugs, I knew my body had it’s own system to protect itself.
The professors voice then gave me an excitation frequency which transmitted to some part of who I AM. He said, “You’re not crazy, you’re just creative!” That soothed me, I had never thought of myself as creative before and when he said it, I actually entertained the idea. That was a year ago.
I AM done resisting who I AM. I surrender.
I’d much rather BE.
I can’t be boxed in. I AM unstoppable. Only person can stop me is me and I’ve been pumping the hell out of my brakes… Storing this potential energy, increasing my capacitance, inducing a current that didn’t resonate with me… It’s time to convert who I AM at my core into KINETIC ENERGY. It’s time to connect with people with this same potential and/or CONNETIK ENERGY.
Growing up my mom would say she was concerned for me because I didn’t have a lick of common sense (my mom being a musical genius) and my response would be well at least I have the sense that could make me some money. lol… The conditioning of the world conditioned me to go to school, get the grade, graduate, get an honorable white collar job using my skills but as the years went on, my identity was escaping from me.
I recognize that as a result, I had attachment issues. I am naturally friendly but I guess on some level, I wanted people to kinect back to me, I was trying to identify myself again through people, now I realize that I just have to kinect to myself.
Besides, in my experience, I would be the one of the most well intended persons, literally to a fault, and I still never really made friends. I would never really feel really kinected. I made friends and I left them where they were at because not very many people would do anything with me outside of school, or work, or their comfort zone, which I never really minded being uncomfortable but I didn’t really have friends to BE uncomfortably me with. I was the most social-unsocial person that I knew. So even me trying my hardest to kinect, it wasn’t happening.
That’s because I shouldn’t have to try. The feeling is for me. I recognize those people/things were not supposed to kinect because they weren’t in sync with who I AM, they didn’t RESONATE with who I AM. All of the things and people that I was putting in place for my future, simply weren’t working out because they were not meant to! Your vibe attracts your tribe and since that resonates with me, for now that is my truth. I’ve heard the cliches all of my life, “Birds of a feather flock together.” and, “Show me your 5 friends and I’ll show you your future.”
My cousin was the one who pulled me to the side this past summer and told me that I was different than I used to be and not for the better. He asked me if I was always the smartest person that I am hanging around and if so, who could I grow with instead of always helping others. The whole show me your five friends and I’ll show you your future.
My friend-first who is a risk taker and full of flavor always preaches about balance. He is writing a book called #HowToHackCollege, genuinely cares about the right things. Dope. He was also the one to tell me to know my worth when I reached out to him like how am I finding myself in these situations?
One of my guardian angels would say that she was concerned about me because I had a big heart. That’s actually how we kinect, our hearts. She actually reminds me a lot of my mother growing up, in so many ways. Some of the toughest lessons she had to learn were times she had exposed her heart to family and friends and it just didn’t work out in her favor, at all. She has definitely protected me along the way.
Thank God my for her and my second guardian angel, her sister who extended her home to me off of the strength of her sister. Dope family right?! All of the sisters and brothers hangout together just about every night, besides the sister overseas.
I asked my friend who is the owner of Authentik Fitness to help me with discipline and time management. He told me that my mind was taking me on rides and that there was only the now.
My middle school friend’s mom who was deemed a young leader in my own community. She had a big heart for us! lol We could count on her crying about us doing less than soulful things. She told me the one thing she regretted not doing was blogging and to stick with it.
By being apart of the National Society of Black Engineers, I have learned a lot about opportunity and overcoming objections even though it was already a reoccurring lesson/theme in my life. Having met the director of research and development at Proctor and Gamble who pointed out that I was powerful and to use my voice. I met a former head of NASA, and even someone from my hometown whose own story and passions were inline with mine and actually got Educator of the Year at the NSBE National Convention. I now realized there are LEVELS to opportunity and objections.
On a personal level, the foundation that was in formation to properly hold me up was the most important part to my journey as an “adult” or “non traditional student.” (Whatever those labels really mean.)
I actually got called back to school, a former student that thought I was a light bulb mentioned my named and wondered how I was doing to the Assistant for Student Success over the whole university. He pulled up my record and seen I had not been in school and that my last semester I made the dean’s list working like I did. He said no one like you should be out of school and to come back to Akron for engineering.
At that point, my boyfriend of almost 8 years and I had been broken up for ONE month, well we didn’t initially break up, he didn’t want to break up but he made me get out of his house, so at this point I was someone who was sitting on their mama’s couch watching TV and life was passing me by. I was literally thinking like wow, God/The Universe is trying to save me. This saving grace was a critical part of my foundation.
I have also had professors at the University of Akron who were very patient with me. More patient than I would have been with someone who was in my situation and really with the best intention, but my time in psychological time made me unproductive. My brother got shot four times, five gun wounds, one of which was in his head the saturday before Finals but I still ended up getting all As on each of my finals. One of my professors says to come from what you’re coming from… you are a superstar. lol I’m like what?!
To the professor that recognized that I was a hot mess and I am telling my story here now when I should be making a vibrations project.
How do I find the words to even begin to explain what the IDEAs, Increasing Diversity in Engineering Academics program did for me. I’ve found friends in people who were like me… smart, some not really maximizing their potential, going through the motions but who looked with optimism to the future. We laughed our way through the fight. I’ve met some genuine WARRIORS. These warrior friends were a critical part to me getting all A’s and B’s last semester. I didn’t publicize it but I was so depressed my first semester back I got an F in all 5 classes. 0.0 GPA.
Last, but exactly the opposite of least and I’m sure all of my warrior friends will agree, the Director of the Increasing Diversity in Engineering Academics program. Who would have thought that a little Asian woman would be strong enough to hold all of us up? I think I was so busy trying to kinect that I couldn’t even realize that I was kinecting to things that didn’t resonate with me, she would tell me when people/organizations were trying to misuse me instead of use me. She would say, “You have a big heart.”
I told her that I was going to see a financial planner and thinking about getting a life coach and she told me that if it were not free to not get it because ultimately a life coach couldn’t tell me something that I didn’t already know, that I just needed discipline but that she knew I would figure it out. She never once doubted that I would graduate but she worried about me in other ways, maybe because I would cry about the thoughts that I allowed to haunt me.
I GET IT!
Life is a journey, not a destination. Learn lessons through your feelings, care about how situations and people make you feel. Feel your way through life according to your internal moral compass, shift, and act accordingly.
It takes a village. It takes a village to care about your heart and as a result, I think you learn how to care about your heart enough to be guided by it.
You have to love yourself, often times you have to LEARN how to do that. I have learned a multitude of things that encompass the general understanding of what makes the world go round on an electrical, mechanical, and biological level and what would require a new world order but the most important lesson I’ve learned is to love myself. There’s these pick me up themes that go something like, “Of all the things that I’ve learned in life, it’s that it goes on.” NOOOOOOOOOOO! We need to quit being sorry for ourselves and focus on LOVING OUR DAMN SELVES.
Can we make this a quote actually?! The four words that summarize what I’ve learned about life is, “It’s to LOVE YOUR DAMNED SELF.” Can I get an AMEN?!
I am working on something that I am labeling a blogumentary and I am titling it, “Death of my Culture: I AM.”
Let’s reduce the acceleration of this burden, of this mass on our hearts.
Let’s analyze the magnitude of the ratio in which we damp ourselves out, the ratio of the the stiffness of us staying true to these “cultural rules” vs the energy we dissipate from ourselves by trying to fit in.
Let’s not deem ourselves weird or crazy and therefore isolate ourselves.
Let’s not design a life according to the American Dream, let’s design a life according to the the natural frequency that exists within all of us and project that out into the world, there we will have unbounded growth.
Let’s connect our kinetic energy to increase the force transmitted to the world by tapping into the inherent natural frequency that resonates within all us!
You ARE happiness, you just have to BE it!
Let’s change the world.
Let’s BE the change we want to see in the world.
p.s. I also have a new friend who wrote this amazing peace about me. Follow me as I breakthrough on #TheJourney, way more expression to come!